Sian: Coming out and leaving a high-control religion – Part 3: Finding love and living openly
In this three-part series, Sian shares her personal experience of growing up as a Jehovah’s Witness in North Wales, coming to understand her sexuality, and ultimately leaving her religion. This is Sian’s own story and reflects her experiences and perspective.
My name is Sian. I grew up as a Jehovah’s Witness in North Wales. I am the fifth of six children in a devout Jehovah’s Witness family. Early on in my life, I knew I was different. At that young age, I didn’t yet understand how or why, but little did I know it was going to change the trajectory of my life. This is my story of coming out, leaving my religion and how that was the best decision I ever made. It does get better!
As my confidence grew and my life at university distanced even further from my religion and family, I met someone new to fall in love with. During my second year, we met on Tinder. It was long distance, so I felt safe that the news wouldn’t reach my family. As we spent time together our relationship grew. University ended and now we had to make big life decisions. I started my teaching career and my girlfriend became my ‘flatmate’. My colleagues knew we were a couple, but I explained very clearly how important it was that it remained secret. There was a ban on putting our pictures online and we would never hold hands in public.
Time passed, our relationship was getting to the stage where I was frustrated with not being properly out. The frustration had not yet outweighed the fear of being shunned, but it was growing as we went into lockdown in 2020. Being in lockdown, knowing that my family were not going to turn up at our flat unannounced, brought about a sense of relief. There were no JWs knocking on the door. For the first time, I felt free. I could breathe. I realised that I was with the most amazing woman. I had some custom Lovehearts made with the words ‘I love you. Will you marry me?’ During a sunrise, lockdown walk I proposed with them. She said yes!
It was now unavoidable that I was going to have to tell my family. We were still very close, and I spent a lot of time with my brother and sisters and nieces and nephews and I loved them dearly. I would often baby sit or take them out and I relished this time with them. I knew that all of this was on the verge of vanishing.
I told my brother that I was gay. I had hoped that of all of my siblings, he might have been the one that was more sympathetic, as he was the one that I had spent the most time with whilst I was at uni. He told me to ‘come back when you’ve changed.’ That was it. I have never seen him or his family again since.
Next, I told my Mum. I had thought that my brother might have told her but he hadn’t. When I told her, she wasn’t angry, but she was very upset. She wanted to know why I hadn’t told her sooner so that she could get me ‘help’. She told me that being gay was just like being a drug addict and that you can just choose not to do it. I had heard all this before, but knowing she was now talking about me hurt a lot. I left her house that day, I have never been back.
After getting engaged, the plan was to get married within a year. After coming out to my Mum, I put the first picture of me and my fiancé on social media. I sat up all night and watched as around 150 people deleted me. My family, my friends, the people I had grown up with. All of them gone overnight. It was finally happening. I was being shunned. I knew that this was going to happen and I was prepared. It had been a journey and I had a support system, a chosen family, and good friends in place. I am lucky in that regard. Of course, this did not stop it being difficult. I have suffered trauma. I am known as an ‘apostate’, which is the worst label for a Jehovah’s Witness. It means that I cannot be saved and have actively worked against God - in their opinion. There is no turning back.
Soon after, we bought a house and moved. I did not give any of my family the address as they had sent the JWs to last my last address and I did not want that to be a part of my life anymore. We live approximately one hour’s drive from where I grew up. I do see people from my old congregation from time to time. The do not look at me or acknowledge me, they cross the road before I get close to them. Encounters like this trigger panic and nightmares. As a child, we were taught that God will destroy all the wicked people at Armageddon and that we, the faithful servants of God, would have to help clear up the dead bodies. Teachings like this are rooted deep in my subconscious and appear as nightmares when events trigger the memories. I suppose this will probably always be something I live with, but with time it has become far less frequent.
In 2021, I married my beautiful fiancé. The woman who had stood by me for all those years of hiding. Never once did she complain or try and push me to come out before I was ready. She has been my rock for nearly 10 years now. To be able to live my life with her is worth any amount of loss or heartbreak. Together, we live life to the full: from adventuring in the mountains and on lakes, to quiet evenings with the dogs in front of the log burner. We have the most beautiful and supportive circle of friends and have found LGBTQ+ groups that share our values and experiences. We have freedom to be ourselves and acceptance. We are living our best lives right now. We are planning skiing trips and trips abroad in our DIY converted van. We are excited about the future and plan on taking every opportunity that comes our way!
If you’re reading this as someone who may be going through something similar - maybe you’re also stuck in a high control religion – I want you to know that you can get out. You have the right to leave and there is help out there. There are good people in the world, and they will help you!
My advice is that it is worth making a plan. Even a vague plan is better than nothing. You know that you’re working towards something, building a life that you want.
It can be hard to find support at first, especially if you are conditioned to fear everything on the internet. Faith to Faithless have started a phone support line geared towards people leaving high control religions. Terri who founded it is an ex-Jehovah’s Witness. They know how it feels and how it works. They understand the need for secrecy. They have Facebook support groups that are well regulated that have been a great support to me. I promise, it does get better!
Sian found support through Faith to Faithless, a group supporting those leaving high-control religious environments with a phoneline and online groups. If you have been affected by the content of this story, you can take a look at Faith to Faithless and the resources on our support page.